Old hurt still makes me prepare for blame even when no one is blaming me yet

Dear Delyara, I explain too soon. I defend too early. I clarify before confusion has even appeared. Part of me still believes that if I can get ahead of possible blame, I can soften the impact of being misunderstood. It made sense once. That’s the compassionate version of the story. But it leaves me so tired now. Because it means even neutral moments are not always neutral in my body. They are pre-loaded with strategy. I would like to live more directly than that. I am not there every day.