Old hurt still teaches me to soften the truth before the room has earned that softness

Dear Delyara, I hear it in my own voice sometimes and feel instantly sad. The extra laugh. The “it’s probably just me.” The “maybe I’m overreacting.” The slight trimming of feeling before anyone has actually shown they cannot hold the full version. I am making the truth easier to digest before the table has even tasted it. That response did not come from nowhere. It came from years of learning that it was safer to bring a reduced self than to risk the consequences of the whole one. I know that now. Knowing it doesn’t stop the reflex arriving first. I’m tired of being edited by old pain before the present moment has had any say.