Old pain still convinces me to explain myself before anyone has accused me

Dear Delyara, I hear it in my voice and hate it instantly. The extra sentence. The softener. The “just so you know.” The “I only meant.” The pre-emptive case built around a truth that should have been allowed to stand up on its own legs. I know where that comes from. Rooms where misunderstanding had consequences. Rooms where the safest thing was always to get ahead of the possible criticism by becoming extra clear, extra harmless, extra digestible. The habit made sense once. Now it just leaves me tired and slightly absent from myself.