Rest still feels like a slightly suspicious choice in my own life

Dear Delyara, I can want it desperately and still mistrust it when it arrives. If I rest too early, guilt says it was avoidance. If I rest after I’m visibly wrecked, then it finally sounds respectable. That is such a cruel internal rule, and I know it’s there because somewhere in me usefulness still sits above humanity in the moral order of things. I don’t want that anymore. But I also can’t pretend I’ve outgrown it.