Sometimes the regret is not really about what happened. It is about who I was while it was happening. What I tolerated. What I ignored. How long I stayed. How little I asked for. How badly fear disguised itself as loyalty, patience, maturity, understanding. I know I was doing the best I could with the self I had then. Some nights I can hold that with compassion. Tonight I mostly feel grief for how small I thought I had to become.

Dear Delyara, Sometimes the regret is not really about what happened. It is about who I was while it was happening. What I tolerated. What I ignored. How long I stayed. How little I asked for. How badly fear disguised itself as loyalty, patience, maturity, understanding. I know I was doing the best I could with the self I had then. Some nights I can hold that with compassion. Tonight I mostly feel grief for how small I thought I had to become.