The hospital wants me to return to the ward where my colleague died

Dear Delyara, I am an intensive-care nurse. My colleague and closest friend died by suicide after a shift last year. We had worked beside each other that night. She made coffee, complained about a consultant, and asked whether I wanted breakfast after handover. I said no because I was exhausted. She died hours later. I have been on leave and then temporary duties elsewhere. Occupational health now says I am fit to return to ICU gradually. Management believes returning to familiar work may help. The familiar work is the problem. Her locker is gone, but I know exactly where it stood. The staff room kettle is the same one she used during our final shift. Bed six is where she once held my hand after a child died. I love intensive care. I trained for years to do it. I do not want trauma to take my profession as well as my friend. Tomorrow, I am scheduled for a four-hour shift. My uniform is ironed. I have been staring at it all evening, trying to decide whether putting it on means returning to myself or walking back into the last place where I failed to notice she was leaving.