The medication keeps me alive and makes me feel absent

Dear Delyara, My epilepsy medication has stopped the seizures, but it has also changed the texture of my mind. Words arrive late. Music feels flatter. I forget why I entered rooms and lose the thread of conversations while people are still speaking. My neurologist says the side effects may improve and reminds me that the seizures were dangerous. I know. The last one happened while I was holding my baby, and my husband caught her before she fell. I take every dose. Still, I grieve the clarity I had before treatment. At work, colleagues finish my sentences kindly, which is somehow worse than impatience. My husband says he is grateful to have me safe. I am grateful too, but safety has made me feel like I am watching my own life through thick glass. I am afraid to ask about changing medication because the next seizure could hurt my child. I am equally afraid that she will grow up with a mother physically present and mentally always arriving a few seconds late.