The movie ticket is hidden inside my prayer book

Dear Delyara, I am twenty. Six months ago, I entered a monastery. My family tells everyone I found my calling. Maybe I did. I wake before sunrise, study, work, pray, and feel peaceful more often than I expected. But inside my prayer book is an old movie ticket from the last film I watched with the girl I loved before coming here. Her name is Anisha. We sat in the back row because we thought nobody from our town would see us. Halfway through the movie, she put her hand on mine. I remember almost nothing about the film. I remember exactly where her thumb rested. When I decided to leave ordinary life, she did not ask me to stay. That hurt more than if she had begged. She said, “If you are searching for something, I hope you find it.” I kept the ticket without deciding to. Tonight, one of the older monks saw it fall from the book. He picked it up, looked at the date, and handed it back without asking. I was relieved and disappointed. Sometimes I want somebody to ask whether I miss her so I can finally answer yes without that answer becoming evidence that I chose wrongly. I do not want to leave. I do not want her back. I still keep a paper ticket beside prayers about detachment because apparently the heart can understand a teaching and refuse to surrender one small receipt.