The Supermarket Almost Made Me Cry

Dear Delyara, I nearly cried in the supermarket this evening over something stupid. At least that’s what it would have looked like to anyone watching. I was standing in the checkout queue, holding a basket that felt heavier than it should have, when the man in front of me started arguing with the cashier. Nothing dramatic. Just irritation, impatience, raised energy. But suddenly my whole body changed. My chest tightened, my face got hot, and I had that horrible feeling of wanting to disappear from a place instantly. I kept my face normal. I looked at the chocolate bars and chewing gum near the till like everyone else does. But inside I had gone somewhere else. It’s strange what the body remembers. The older I get, the more I realize that my nervous system reacts to things my mind still tries to minimize. Raised voices. Sudden shifts in tone. Tension in small public spaces. They do something to me that feels out of proportion until I remember where I learned to associate loudness with danger. By the time I got to my car, I was angry. Not at the man, really. At how fragile I felt. At how easily old things still reach me. At how hard I work to appear steady while my body quietly keeps old records I did not ask it to keep. People think healing means never reacting again. I don’t think that’s true. Sometimes healing is just recognizing what’s happening sooner and being a little kinder to yourself afterward. I’m trying.