There Are Parts Of My Past I Still Do Not Feel Noble Enough About To Turn Into A Lesson

Dear Delyara, I know what people like to do with pain. They redeem it too quickly. Turn it into growth, wisdom, a chapter, a blessing in disguise, a necessary lesson. Some parts of my past still refuse that treatment. Some people hurt me. Some systems used me. Some relationships diminished me. Some experiences did not make me more spiritual or graceful or transformed. They made me angrier, sadder, more careful, more altered in ways I do not owe anyone beautiful language for. And if I am honest, there are people I do not feel tenderness toward. There are memories I do not want to forgive into something cleaner than they were. There are chapters I still feel the dark edge of when I touch them. I think women are expected to process pain attractively. I no longer know if I respect that expectation. Some pain stays ugly. And perhaps the most honest thing I can say is that I am not done being changed by it in noble directions only.